Losing a beloved animal friend is a terrible time for the whole family. Each child is different, and most parents will follow their instincts in how much and how to tell their children: trust yourself to know your child and their needs at this time�

It is important that you be open and honest with your children about the loss of your pets, as this will encourage their trust in you. If you can be open about your own grief at the thought of losing this precious family member, children will not feel alone, or be tempted to suppress their feelings. Your local bookstore or library could be of help. There are a number of children's books that talk about death, some in terms of grandparents etc, others with reference to nature, such as trees losing old leaves and making way for fresh ones - despite the sadness, it is life's cycle...(eg. 'It must hurt a lot; a child's book about death' by Doris Sanford or 'Catheaven' and 'Dogheaven' by Cynthia Rylant).

Depending on the level of your child's understanding, it may help to explain that when we really love someone, though death separates us from them, they never really go away when there are loving memories of them in our heart. Encourage your child to express whatever they love about your precious companion, and to know that those special things about them can live forever, because they have been given as a gift to your family through the presence of your precious pet.

Grief experts tell us that children under five do not realise the finality of death, which may ease their coping. Tell your children that you cry because you love and miss your companion too, even though you are glad they are no longer sick or in pain. Let them know if you feel sad not to have him/her there to cuddle. Think about looking through past photos together, allowing the children to chose a special one of their pet that they want to have. All these rituals can help.

Even though your child will obviously be distressed, if s/he is young, s/he is probably unable to comprehend 'forever' in the way adults can; this protects somewhat from the knowledge that goodbye means loss of physical presence. If you can encourage children's happy memories and help them say goodbye to their pet in the way they choose, when the time comes, you will teach them an invaluable lesson about life; those we love spend forever in our hearts, no matter how far away they are. If they like to draw, you could together draw a picture of the child's heart with your pet in it, when the sad time comes for you to say goodbye.

In your concern for your children, try not to neglect your own valid grief; showing them this will teach them that expression of all the tears, hurt and sadness is the very best cure for grief.

� J. Brown 2000

This page was last updated on Wednesday, 18 October 2000.